Originally posted to the Handball Mailing List on February 28, 1998 by J. and reprinted with his permission.
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If you think topping in fisting is about "being in charge" - then you've picked the wrong sport. I'm a fairly intense player in both fisting and SM and I know what I'm talking about - as several on this list can attest. The dynamics are totally different. As a submissive bottom, I like nothing more than to be able to totally surrender to a top, but it's up to the top to earn my trust first. I'm NOT gonna have my butt trashed in order to stroke some guy's ego.
Fisting involves mostly involuntary responses and it can't be forced. The ability to open up and take a fist comes from a subconscious level and a bottom can't just submit or will it to happen. He has to allow it to happen. Conversely, a top can't force his way in. He's got to seduce the butt into opening up. It's what we call trust. Experienced bottoms know many tricks to facilitate opening up, but if the trust isn't there, it ain't gonna happen. It's not a matter of the top being in control of the bottom - or vice versa. Instead, it's a matter of both *suspending control* and communicating on a deeper, subconscious level. It's because the dynamic is so different that many men who are total tops in every other way are versatile fisters: The same holds true with versatile bottoms.
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Every butt is different every time. Great tops can "listen to the butt" and sense what it needs and establish the trust immediately. Good tops may need some verbal guidance, but they soon find the groove and they're off and running. Lousy tops just don't get it and no amount of coaching will help. Of course, sometimes it's just a matter of having incompatible styles - a great top for one butt may be a total disaster for another. It has nothing to with whether the bottom "likes" the top or not. You either connect, or you don't.
In fisting, a bottom telling you what he needs does NOT constitute being a pushy bottom. It means that YOU have not figured it out and he's giving another chance. Knowledge is power - not the reverse.
There are some total submissives into fisting, but they are rare and seldom do they ever become first-class players. There are perhaps a slightly greater number of truly pushy bottoms, but more often what at first appears to be a pushy bottom is actually an experienced player who has little patience for tops who don't know what they're doing.
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