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B.'s Advice on Cleaning Out

Originally posted to the Handball Mailing List on May 9, 1998 by B. and reprinted with his permission.

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Hey, dudes!

I'm new to the Net, but old to the scene. See a lot of questions about cleaning out, so here goes:

  1. Eat lightly for two days before you're gonna play, and nothing but liquids on the day you're gonna play, if you know ahead of time. Not a bad prep for the weekend, in any case. No red meat, fatty foods, junk foods, etc. A juice fast on the third day will make cleaning out a LOT easier (fresh-squeezed veggie and fruit juice diluted with bottled water).
     
  2. Don't wait until the last minute to do your clean-out. I like to do it, and then take a nap before I go out ... gives the gut time to settle and and expel or absorb any water that didn't come out. Nothing more embarrassing than having to take a wet dump at the bar!
     
  3. Shower shots may be fun, but they're not very efficient ... what you need is a large volume of warm water running lowly ... one of those 5-gallon camping shower bags works great ... you only have to fill it once, but be sure it's hung securely ... five gallons of water is HEAVY.
     
  4. Go for depth the first time, before the bowel has a chance to begin peristaltic action ... grit your teeth, take a hit of popper, pant, do whatever is necessary, but get at least two quarts in the first go-round. I find I can take more water standing up with knees flexed; others may prefer doggie style or on their back in the bathtub.

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  5. After that, sit on the can and just let the water run in and out ... hold it till it feels uncomfortable, then let go.
     
  6. If you can take three successive 2-quart "hits" and have them come out clean, you're probably cleaned out up to your NECK.
     
  7. If you're in a hurry, you can use the Fleet's "Phospho-soda buffered oral saline laxative" ... take the dosage for "purgative", and be prepared to shit your brains out. Not a good idea to use this more than once or twice a month in a real emergency situation (i.e. where you don't have time to reduce food intake and spend an hour or two on the hose).
     
  8. Adding a teaspoon of baking soda per quart to the water cuts down on the amount of water the colon absorbs, so you don't piss as much.

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  9. Both extensive enemas and the Fleet preparation do a number on your electrolytes ... it's a good idea to drink Gatorade or another sports drink while you're playing, or afterward, to restore the balance.
     
  10. You CAN use Dr. Bronner's Castile soap to clean out with ... makes everything smell better; but only put a couple of DROPS per quart. Stronger solutions WILL burn your asshole. The peppermint flavor is my favorite. Use it (or any other soap ... Ivory FLAKES [NOT liquid] is about the only one that won't fuck up your colon) ONLY for the FIRST enema, followed by plenty of plain water ones, so that the soap isn't absorbed into your colon.
     
  11. Water temperature - anything from 98.6F to as hot as you can comfortably put your hand in. Hotter will get the job done faster; cold (below 98.6) causes more cramps, if that's your thing. I like to start hot and switch to cold.
     
  12. NEVER, EVER EVER attach an enema nozzle to anything but a gravity bag. If you should happen to have a surge on the shower shot, your intestine will blow before the retention balloon. Also, never use anything but water-soluble lube with a retention nozzle... they are expensive, they're made of latex, and they will dissolve if they come into contact with Crisco, etc. I put a rubber over mine and put a small hole in the nozzle end, just to be sure. And that includes using a retention nozzle after you've played when your ass is full of Crisco. Retention nozzles (for the truly twisted) are available at http://www.enematoys.com ... they come in single and double (single has a balloon that goes up your ass and inflates; double has an additional one on the outside that's supposed to act as an additional seal, but I've never been able to tell the difference). They aren't cheap ... wash and dry them well, and powder them with baby powder before you put them away.

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