The ULTIMATE Cleaning Out System

This article was originally posted to the Handball Mailing List on September 22, 1999 by BB and is reprinted here with his permission.

 

Cleaning Out - All the Way Out!

So far nobody else has mentioned the cleaning out regime that I use. Admittedly it takes a full week, but it is ABSOLUTELY foolproof.

If I am planning to play on Saturday, I usually start on the Monday of that week. It goes like this:

Monday: No meat, bread, dairy products or vegetables. Usually I eat plain boiled rice with soy sauce. Use shower shot for preliminary clean out, usually takes 2 to 3 hours. I can watch TV from my bathroom, so this is no problem. Sleep with foot of bed raised on two house bricks to aid flow.

Tuesday: Sacrifice small goat to Krishna, Indian god of clean colons. Eliminate rest of food groups, drink only water, sweetened with saccharine. Second preliminary clean-out in evening usually takes 4 to 5 hours. I take a good book, and find "Gone With The Wind" most effective. (Note from Grey: My favorite book for this stage is "A River Runs Through It".)

Wednesday: Up at 5:00 am for first two-hour clean-out of day. This usually produces thin grayish green matter - which incidentally makes a useful weed killer and snail repellent for you gardeners out there! Eat dry toast or Jell-O - not both! - and drink peppermint tea all day as needed, leave work early for second two-hour clean-out, then stand on head for 45 minutes before eating small can of creamed corn - bed-time snack! I use this evening to phone all my friends to warn them I'm not available for social purposes as I'm cleaning out for the weekend. I no longer bother to let my mother know, after the fuss last year.

Thursday: Wear plastic incontinent pants to work - believe me you'll need them! - and drink vodka during day - no more than 1 quart in total. On arrival home after work, if I can find the bathroom, I clean out using 5 gallons of water with 2 packets of Epsom Salts, or any non-corrosive drain cleaner, added. I usually attack a good crossword puzzle during this time. Eat a small packet of raisins as a bedtime snack. Or a large box of Whitman's sampler chocolates - but NOT the peanut clusters!!

Friday: I usually faint at work and get sent home in a taxi cab. Drink plenty of fruit juice during the day and about 4:00 p.m. eat two tablespoons of any reputable brand of cement - avoid Korean cement, too acidic! Go to bed early and file nails - well, you never know! Wake about 2:00 am, spend 20 minutes bouncing on a trampoline (if you have one), and flush out any remaining matter in the system using a small electrical garden pump, as used in fountains and other such garden water features. (Cheap to buy and a good investment!)

Saturday: The big day! Up at 6:30 am to flush out system with high pressure fire hose - easy to borrow from the local hunky volunteer patrol, once you explain what you want it for! This usually takes me 3 hours or so, until there is absolutely no further matter being flushed out. I pass the time with prank phone calls. At this point your skin ought to have taken on a glowing moist look, and you'll find many of the fine lines and crows feet on your face have vanished! Sadly this doesn't last after your first bowel movement on Sunday morning. Avoid being hugged during this time, as you are likely to leave wet patches on your friends, and DON'T wear tight clothing. About two hours before you start to play, eat half a loaf of Wonder bread, and take a final flush out of the system. I usually spend this time vowing to become a strict top as soon as the weekend's over.